Fanfic I: Showdown at Padme's Apartment

You've probably noticed by now that I like Star Wars as much as the next fan(atic), so here's a short fanfic I wrote, hope you enjoy it.

title: Showdown at Padme's apartment
author: Rhaegar
timeframe: RotS
characters: Padme Amidala, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Palpatine, Jar-Jar Binks, Mace Windu, Yoda, Aayla Secura, handmaiden Dore
genre: humor
summary: Things go a little different at Padme's apartment. Mah, just read the 'crawl text' at the beginning.
rating: PG-17 (suggestive themes, swear words)
disclaimer: the author of this fanfiction does not, in any way, profit from the story and all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator(s). I own nothing, so don't sue me, please.

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SHOWDOWN AT PADME'S APARTMENT

WAR! IT'S A DARK TIME FOR GALACTIC REPUBLIC. SEPARATIST LEADERS HAVE MADE A DARING STRIKE INTO TEH HEART OF THE DEMOCRACY AND JUSTICE, KILLING THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT BEINGS AND ARE THREATENING WITH UTTER DESTRUCTION OF POLITICAL SYSTEM.

BRAVE WARRIORS AND PRETTY SENATORS ARE FIGHTING AGAINST IMPOSSIBLE ODDS AND JEDI, SITH AND WHATNOT ARE THROWING THEMSELVES INTO THE LOT. CLEARLY TEH STAGE IS SET FOR ENDGAME!

AS THE FALLEN JEDI ANAKIN SKYWALKER GOES VADER ON TEH YOUNGLINGS AND SEPARATIST LEADERS ALIKE, BRAVE JEDI KNIGHT OBI-WAN KENOBI MAKES A PERSONAL VISIT TO TEH SENATOR AMIDALA'S APARTMENT....

Dore: "A Jedi Knight Kenobi wishes to see you, Milady."
Padme: "Send him in and make haste for some refreshments. Close teh blast door on the way out, please."
Dore: "Yes sir, Milady."
/enters Obi, handmaiden serves drink and departs.
Obi. "Hello there."
Padme: "General Kenobi, it's been too long."
/gives him a hug
Obi: Yes, well, the elevator's not working, had to use teh stairs.
Padme: "Oh. I gather your trip was a successfully one?"
Obi: "Fairly."
/looks around the room
Obi:"A nice place you have, Padme. I myself am planning to by it, though."
Padme: "What did you say?!"
Obi: "I have made a contract with the landlord of this facility. Soon, this apartment will be mine."
Padme: "I don't believe you. I can't ..."
Obi: Search your feelings, Padme. And ask the owner; I've already signed the deal."
Padme. "I pay the rent on time, I don't throw up large parties (only for Ani&meself), that fire was an accident, I swear. I don't want to go back to Senate offices; it's dark and cold there. Not like here, where everything's so soft and smooth ..."
Obi: "I shall wipe a tear, 'cos your moving out end of month, senator. Do clean teh floor, will ya?"
/Obi takes something out of his cloak
Obi: "And do you see this hat I have with me?"
Padme: "Yes. What about it?"
Obi: "It's K'Kruhk's Hat, teh ultimate Powah in the galaxy. It' will help me redecorate this apartment, when you're gone."
Padme: "OMG, Obi-Wan. I love that Hat. It's freakin' sweat!"
Obi: "I know."
Padme: "But ... But what about Jedi being forbidden to have personal possession? Isn't the attachment forbidden?"
Obi: "Screw them Jedi codes an' all. I am teh Jedi Master! I deserve to have an apartment of me own! There's no privacy at teh temple. How's a guy to watch twi'lek pron in peace?"
Padme: "Anakin is on teh Council, too. He comes to this apartment, Obi. My apartment. And his's not even a Master yet."
Obi: "Oh, Yeah, that reminds me; Have you seen Anakin lately?"
Padme: "Yesterday."
/walks around the room, Obi follows, takes a sip of drink
Obi: "I've been looking for him ... There's been a rebellion."
Padme: "Is he in danger?"
Obi: "You could say that, yeah."
Padme: "From teh Sith?!"
Obi: "Nope. Padme, Anakin's become a Sith, gone to teh Dark Side an' stuff."
Padme: "How can you say that?!"
Obi: "I've seen recordings of him, killing ... younglings. OMG, teh younglings! No! Must not give in to tears ..."
Padme: "Not Anakin. He couldn't! ... Well maybe, if they were Tuskens or something ..."
Obi: "So you do believe me!"
Padme: "I will not give in to this. Anakin's a good man, well, boy actually, but his lightsaber's really big, ... um, and I know there's still good in him. I know this, Obi-Wan."
Obi. "There's no stopping teh Sith, you know that, Senator. They are evil, dangerous and whatnot!"
Padme: "Only a Sith deals in absolutes. You know that, Master Jedi."
Obi: "Whoops, got me at that one, you did, lass."
/Padme sits on the couch
Padme: "How can this be? Was it something about my cooking? In bed he never complained ..."
Obi: "OMG, I don't want to here that! He was deceived by a lie, Padme. We all were."
Padme: "I ..., um ..."
/Obi sits beside Padme
Obi: "I need your help to track him down and kill him like teh dog that he is, um, I mean, go try and talk to him and turn him away from teh Dark Side."
Padme: "Please don't lok at me like that."
Obi: "Why not?"
Padme: "It makes me feel uncomfortable."
Obi. "Hey, Jedi do have feeling too, you know."
Padme: "I'm sorry. I can't help you."
/Padme looks away
Obi: "Anakin is teh father, isn't he?"
Padme: "Well, doh. It's not Organa's or something, if you thought that."
/enters Palpatine
Palps: "Greetings fair citizens of teh Republic. A pleasant and above all happy day to you all."
Obi. "chancellor Palpatine."
/gives a bow
Padme: "You came sooner than I expected, chancellor."
Obi: "He did? You're expecting him?"
Palps: "Yes, the traffic was rather thin, I must say. Gotten meself here earlier, I'm afraid."
Obi: "Hello, a cluless Jedi, right here! Is there a party I was not invited to or something?"
Padme: "An informal party; just between the chancellor and meself."
Obi: "OMG. Please, don't say you're banging him, too."
Palps. "Why, teh very idea ..."
Obi: "Hey, it's starwars."
Palps. "Oh. Right you are. Do cary on."
Padme: "Nothing like that, General, rest assured."
Obi: "I'll rest when teh Sith are completely exterminated."
Padme: "What about that 'Sith and absolutes' dogma, Master Jedi?"
Obi: "Meditate I will on that. Later. Now I've got a fallen jedi and sith to kill. Wouldn't you now it; they are my specialty."
Padme:/giggles "He said, 'specialty'. "
Palps: "I see. Well, this might come to you as a shock, but ... I AM TEH SITH LORD!"
Obi: "OMFG!!!!1111"
Padme: "Um, ...What he said."
Palps: "Yup, Fooled you all, didn't I. The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities that some may consider to be unnatural."
Padme: "Like what?"
Obi: "Not a good move, senator."
Palps: "Your arrogance blinds you, Master Jedi. Now you shall experience teh tr00 powah of teh Dark Side!"
Obi: "Arrogance? What kriffing arrogance are we taking about here?! Anakin's the arrogant one! Yours Truly is just an ordinary, humble Jedi, sworn to serve teh Republic and keep Justice and peace in teh Galaxy. If you believe that BS."
/Palpatine uses Force-Lightning
/Obi deflects the lightning on the curtains, which burst to flame
Padme: "OMG!11 Teh curtains, they're on fire!!111 Obi-Wan, how could you??!!"
Obi: "STFU beeyotch!!22"
Padme: "w00t?!?"
Obi: "Shut. TheF**k. Up."
Padme: "You fiend!"
/Obi gets bitch-slapped by Padme; charisma-20, anger+10
Palps: "Uu, uu!, I wanted to do that!"
Padme: "Can it, fag!"
Palps: "Oh, yeah, figures. Pick on teh kinky guy, why don't ya?"
/enters Jar-jar Binks, Gungan representative in teh Senate
Jar-Jar: "Obi? Obi! Messa so happy to see you!"
/hugs'stuff
Obi. "it's nice to see you too, Jar-Jar.'' /sarcasm off
Padme: "How did you get in teh apartment, J-J? The blast doors are locked per my strict orders."
Jar-Jar: "Been in her majesty bedroom, dis gungan did, aye."
Obi. "w00t?"
Palps: "really, my dear. I must be frank. The thought of you banging with him; it's unbearable."
Padme: "Noo! Is not like that, is not! Crazy duck's been stalking me again, is true. Ever since he came to Coruscant with me, always putting his ears and tongue where he shouldn't."
Palps: "Tongue?!"
Obi: "Astral sick!"
Padme: "Is not like a like that crazy duck. All I want is Ani and his love.''
Obi: "Oh, now I feel sooo much better."
Padme: "... never did it even with Palo, and he had such dreamy eyes. Just ones with Dorme, when we were alone, and the wine was cold and our hearts hot..."
Palps&Obi: "Damn."
/Jar-Jar tries to sneak out of the room, breaks a vase.
Obi: "Jar-Jar Binks. You are as clumsy as you are stupid."
Jar-Jar: "Oh-oh. Ouch time, this one thinkz."
Palps. "Right you are!"
/Jar-jar gets hit by Force Lightning, instant kill
Padme: "U, yami; roasted duck, my fav."
/starts eating Jar-Jar's smoking remains
Padme: "What are you looking at me like that? I'm pregnant, I have to eat for two now."
Obi. "Three, actually."
Padme: "What? Oh, no! I can't have twins. Have hardly enough savings to raise one. The senator wage isn't that big and Anakin doesn't get paid either."
Obi: "Should have thought about that before."
Palps: "I second that."
/door open, enter Mace, Yoda, Aayla Secura and some random, unimportant jedi
Padme: "What, again? I thought I had them locked. No privacy, sheesh."
Palps: "Master Windu. You survived."
Mace: "Yeah, this nigga's hard to kill, bughugger."
Obi: "I really am curious. How did you survive? I wager the lightning and the fall were rather rough."
Mace: "Aayla used her skillz on me."
Padme: "And we all now Aayla's skillz, don't we?"
Mace: "Yup."
Palps: "She's not in teh Council for her Force skill, this one."
Yoda: "Fact."
Obi: "I'm not even gonna say it."
Yoda: "About your apprentice's actions we've heard. Allow it, we can't."
Palps: "Are you threatening me, Master Jedi?!"
Mace: "The Senate will decide your fate."
Yoda: "That to say, I wanted."
Mace: "Well I already said it, so hush, kermit!"
Palps: "Akhm, if we could please continue. I have an Empire to build."
Mace. "Right, sorry. Akhm: You are under arrest, Milord!"
Palps: "I AM THE SENATE! And the Courts; I have them bribed, too!"
Padme /with mouth full of duck: "You fiend!"
Mace: "Not anymore. We will end this once and for all!"
Palps: "That dogma of yours; absolutes and Sith? Rings a bell?"
Aylla: "He's right, my Master."
Yoda: "To the hot twi'lek chick you must listen, Mace. Save you, it can."
Palps: "I'll issue special Order 69 just for you, my dear." /gives a wink
Aylla: "You assume too much! I only give free BJ for teh Light Side."
Palps: "Oh no, my little, um, blue friend. You'll find out that it's you who are mistaken. About a great many things."
Mace: "What things?"
Palps: "Great many things. Want a list?"
Yoda: "At teh end your reign is, evil-doer. And not short enough it was."
Obi: "Heh. He said 'evil-doer'."
Padme: "And then they say my lines are bad."
Mace: "STFU bitchez! an' grab teh pillows! This is where teh fun begins!"
/fancy lightsaber action, Yoda jumps and whirls around, Mace and Obi fight Palpatine who is zapping everyone with Force-lightning, Padme snacks on Jar-Jar. And Anakin? He's waiting on Mustafar, watching a pretty volcanic scene.

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