Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Kyle Katarn Facts

Never mind Chuck Norris, Waru or K'hruhk's Freakin' Sweet Hat for that matter, here are some unbelivable but very true facts about the man himself, his Beard, Shoulder Pad and Bryar Pistol. Doubt them at your own risk. XD


For the whole thread go here: http://boards.theforce.net/literature/b10003/24965494/p1/?280

-There is no Sith Order. Just a list of Sith that Kyle Katarn allows to live.
-Kyle Katarn died in Dark Forces 1. The grim reaper is too scared to tell him.
-The Death Star was named after Kyle Katarn's right testicle
-The Second Death Star was named after his left testicle
-Kyle Katarn is referenced only once in the Star Wars Saga - this occurs when Palpatine fries Mace Windu with lightning.
-Why did Vegere cross the road? She didn't, Kyle Katarn killed her.
-From any "certain point of view", Kyle Katarn will mess you up.
-Kyle Katarn is The Force's revenge for Order 66
-Kyle shot. First, last, second... It doesn't matter. You're dead.
-Behind every great man is a good woman. Behind every good woman is Kyle Katarn
-You know why Kyle and Jan have never had kids? Because no one who ****s with Kyle Katarn lives. No one.
-Kyle Katarn is allergic to Bacta. Not that its ever come up
-Obi Wan: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can ever imagine. Vader: You mean you become Kyle Katarn? Obi: Well, no, I wouldn't go that far...
-Kyle Katarn once met Yoda. He put a collar on him and took him for a walk.
-Asteroids do not concern Kyle Katarn, Admiral, they're just his kidney stones.
-Chiss scientists created Alpha Red by synthesizing Kyle's urine.
-Kyle Katarn never writes in his datapads; the words assemble themselves out of fear.
-Some people whine and cry after slaughtering a camp of Tusken Raiders. Kyle Katarn calls it target practice.
-The account of Yun-Yuuzhan creating the universe by sacrificing parts of his body was just a day that Kyle decided to shave.
-Ewoks are just leftovers from when Kyle Katarn shaves his beard.
-The Dark Side ending of Jedi Knight isn't non-canon because LFL has a policy of making Dark Side endings non-canon. It's non-canon because they realized the story was over because no other good guy is bad*** enough to take out Dark Side Kyle.
-ROTS is lying, the real reason Vader is in the suit is because he picked a fight with 3-year-old Kyle, and Kyle was feeling generous that day.
-Think of a beautiful woman. Kyle Katarn did her.
-Hyperspace exists because it's afraid to be in the same reality as Kyle Katarn
-The Death Star laser was based on a schematic of Kyle Katarn's lightsaber
-The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of Kyle Katarn
-Kyle Katarn is a higher level than G-Canon
-There is no chin behind Kyle Katarn's beard, just another Bryar Pistol.
-Kyle Katarn's so tough he could've taken on the Emperor and Vader himself, but he was to busy rebuilding Alderaan by hand.
-Mustafar looks like it does because it's people once ticked Kyle off.
Utapau is full of holes for the same reason
-There is no Dark side. Only stuff that Kyle doesn't believe in.
-There are only two names with which you should address Kyle Katarn: Kyle, and Sir.
-When the Moff proclaimed that the Death Star was the ultimate power in the galazy, it was because he had never heard of Kyle Katarn.
-Kyle's so tough that when he climbs rocks he's not going up, he's pulling them down.
-Kyle's so tough that when he gives the evil eye he can breach the fabric of time and space.
-Palpatine built The Death Star because he couldn't get Kyle to work for him.
-Kyle’s so tough that when he does a push-up, he’s pushing the planet away from him.
-Anakin had so many Midi-chlorians because a time-travelling Kyle was his father.
-When Anakin Skywalker gets mad, he turns into Darth Vader. When Darth Vader gets mad, he turns into Kyle Katarn.
-There's only one thing that can stop Kyle Katarn: a clone of him armed with the freakin sweet hat.
-The Hoth asteroid field is made up of rocks that Kyle found in his shoes
-The Yuuzhan Vong left their galaxy to escape Kyle Katarn... ...unfortunately for them, Kyle Katarn runs fast
-Kyle Katarn CAN rip the ears off a Gundark, and its arms, and its legs...
-Kyle Katarn can kiss a wookiee, and the wookiee will like it.
-Super Star Destroyers were designed to fight the Moldy Crow.
-Palpatines first sentence in his Dark Side Compendium is "Don't &$#@ with Kyle Katarn!"
-Kyle Katarn doesn't walk: he pushes the planet away from him. Kyle Katarn doesn't feel pain, pain feels Kyle Katarn.
-That green flash you see when Kyle is shot isn't a shield, it's just the blaster bolts becoming envious when they realize who they're about to hit.
-Kyle Katarn visited the baby Obi-Wan Kenobi and gave him the gift of beard.
-Kyle Katarn once shot a Star Destroyer down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
beard stubble.Kyle Katarn is so tough that when he goes fishing he puts space slugs on his hooks. -The real reason the Naboo blockade was lifted was because the Republic threatened to send Kyle Katarn after them. And that was before he was born!Kyle Katarn is the father of every kid on this board!
-His poop is considered currency on Endor.
-Kyle Katarn named the group The Modal Nodes. They did not want to be called that.
-Tattooine wasn't always a desert. But one day Kyle got thirsty...
-Grand Admiral Thrawn was one of Kyle Katarn's greatest students
-When playing as Kyle Katarn, keep in mind that F9 is quicksave. Every other key leads to armageddon.
-Kyle Katarn stole the Death Star plans because destroying the Death Star would be far too easy.
-Men are from Corellia. Women are from Hapes. Kyle Katarn is from the Maw.
-Kyle Katarn's shoulder pad is greater than The Hat.
-Kyle Katarn's killed five of the Emperor's clones with his sharp wit alone.
-Kyle Katarn once holorecorded himself making sweet love to my wife, and then made me watch it! I cried my eyes out, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
-Kyle Katarn did not steal the Death Star plans. They turned themselves in out of fear.
-Kyle Katarn takes his baths in a carbon-freezing chamber.
-Kyle Katarn once tried to use a lightsaber to trim his beard. Naturally, the lightsaber couldn't cut his beard. He then mined his stubble and cortosis was born.
-When the Emperor died on DS2, Katarn travelled to Naboo to let the Gungans know that "Theysa free no more". After that, there was another parade.
-Kyle roundhouse kicked the statue of Palpatine down on Coruscant because it blocked Kyle's view of the Jedi Temple.
-Kyle Katarn enjoys reading Popular Gardening magazine. Many Bothans died to bring us this information.
-Kyle Katarn once made the Kessel run in less than ten parsecs. When someone mentioned that parsecs had nothing to do with speed, Katarn sabered them for their ignorance. After all, he's Katarn.
-Katarn only needs a ship to carry his multitude of Twi-lek dancers.
-Kyle Katarn is fluent in over 8 million forms of communication.
Kyle Katarn made the Kessel Run in less than one Parsec...on foot no less.
-Only a Sith deals in absolutes:- getting absolutely ****ed by Kyle Katarn.
-Kyle Katarn drinks a special shake every morning for breakfast, the ingredients of which include blue milk, hot chocolate, a sprinkle of Anakin Skywalker's cremated remains (the armour anyway), and two fetuses. He says the fetuses make it extra creamy.
-Kyle Katarn is like the Ring. Once you see him, you are already dead.
-Kyle Katarn never reads menus when eating at a restaurant. Whatever he orders, they better make it.
-If it weren't for Kyle Katarn's sex drive the GFFA would not be able to re-populate itself from all the killings of Kyle Katarn.
-Kyle Katarn opened the blast doors
-Kyle Katarn can cast a shadow in the dark
-Kyle Katarn recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Hot Chocolate.
-Kyle Katarn can no longer see himself in the mirror because the first time he did, he killed his own reflection.
-There's only one way to skin a stormtrooper because Kyle Katarn has a patent on the other 1138.
-Kyle Katarn once ripped a rancor in half just to see who it had for lunch
-Revan was.... power... it was like staring at a pale imitation of Kyle Katarn.
-You know why the Republic only needed three million clones? They had Kyle Katarn
-Q: Who're better, the Mandalorians or the Jedi? A: It doesn't matter, Kyle Katarn can kill both of them.
-Mandalorian iron is made by melting down Kyle Katarn's toenail clippings.Kyle Katarn eats baradium and ***** thermal detonators.
-Kyle's shield is not for keeping weapons out. It's for keeping Kyle IN.Only a Sith deals in absolutes:- getting absolutely ****ed by Kyle Katarn.
-Kyle Katarn made the Kessel Run in less than one Parsec...on foot no less.
-Kyle Katarn keeps the Galaxy Gun in a spare holster. It's behind the Bryar.
-Darth Bane made the Rule of Two: 1) There will always be one Master and one Apprentice. 2) Both will fear Kyle Katarn.
-It doesn't matter who Darth Krayt is. What matters is that he's running from Kyle Katarn.
-At the bottom of every fan's conspiracy theory is Kyle Katarn.
-Kyle's not strong enough to pull the ears off a gundark. He's strong enough to pull the gundark through a rip in the space/time continuum.
-Kyle chews vornskrs for breakfast.
-The Yuuzhan Vong were cut off the force so that they wouldn't die from looking at Kyle Katarn. -General Greivous told Anakin he expected someone of his reputation to be taller to spare his feelings. What he actually expected was someone a little less clean shaven.
-Kyle Katarn only entered into "reciprocal apprenticeship" with Mara Jade because he thought it was a sexual position. Not long after, so did she.




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